How to Forgive

How do I forgive? More specifically:  How do I forgive the unforgivable?

How do I Forgive?

I believe this is a universal question many of us struggle with. What about you?

I recently had the opportunity to participate in a Forgiveness Global TeleSummit hosted by Nancy Battye with 33 other speakers (click here for the details). The panel and listeners brought up a number of great questions and personal experiences I thought I would share with you.

Here are some highlights to help you heal and forgive.

Forgiveness is in the Will, not in the Feeling

Many people get stuck on being able to forgive because they mistakingly define forgiveness as an emotion instead of an action.

Forgiveness is NOT a feeling. Feelings are nice, and eventually the hope to be free from the emotional negative charge of what you have forgiven, is certainly a worthwhile byproduct of having forgiven. But.. it is not the first step in the process of forgiveness. The very first step is in your free will to make a choice to forgive.

So what do I have to do to forgive using my free will?

You have forgiven if you:

1.Wish no ill will or harm to the person who has treated you unjustly.

2.You pray or send englightenment to the person you are trying to forgive to change for the better – because their soul needs more help than yours.

3.Leave it to God or your Higher Power to resolve the issue in a manner of divine justice for the good of all involved.

Forgiveness is not your idea of making the wrong right, but allowing God to make the wrong right.

Self Forgiveness

Your ability to forgive someone else is a direct reflection of how much you are able to forgive yourself.

Consider the following scenario…

A perfect stranger in the street yells out your are stupid and ugly – how do you react? Probably without much emotion considering the source.

Now imagine the person you love most saying the exact same words to you. How do you feel now? Probably much different from the first scenario.


The words were exactly the same – but your emotional response was completely different. The only deduction you can logically make is that it is more than the words which matter to you. It is not what is said – but the source of your emotional connection to the person who speaks to you, what their relationships means to you, what trigger they push in you from your past., and how you view yourself.

Salt only hurts when it hits an open wound. The fact you are in pain proves there is wound open which you need to heal.

When in Pain, Focus on:

1. What is the gut reaction teaching me? What do I need to learn about myself?

2. What is the wound I need to heal?

3. Be grateful for the gift of discovering the real issue and the opportunity to finally heal, so you can be emotionally free from it.

Don’t Obsess

Over thinking the problem, pain and past event does nothing except hurt you again.

If you don’t let go of this negativity, you must ask yourself these two questions:
“Why do I want to keep myself marinated in this poison of self destruction?”
Why do I not love myself enough to stop staying in the pain?”

Give up the hope of a better past.  Focus your precious energy on what you can control and change for the better.

Forgiveness begins with forgiving yourself. Trusting God more, and depending on yourself less. Listening to the whispers and warning signs God may be giving you in the silence of your prayer, or through other people.

Forgiveness is a process

You don’t put an acorn seed in the ground and expect a full grown 20 foot acorn tree to be looking back at you 20 minutes later! Why would you expect this unreasonable result from yourself?

Be patient with yourself, and focus on the size of your God and the great progress you have made. Not the size of your problem or how far you think you have to go.

“He who does not forgive digs two graves.” Chinese Proverb


Deb Scott, BA, CPC

Deb is Author of the 2 x National Award Winning Book The Sky is Green and The Grass is Blue - turning your upside down world right side up!, a Certified Professional Coach at Discover the Amazing YOU! Coaching, and host of the hit new Best People We Know Show! on Blog Talk Radio. Self Help Radio

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